I Could Care Less If You Don't Want To Hear My Kid's Tantrum

Reading Matt Walsh's article in the Huffington Post took me back to a period in parenting that I seriously tried to erase from memory. I am so grateful my two and half year old is out of his shrieking, ultra meltdown temper tantrum stage where he would scream so loud in public I would fear windows would break. It got to the point I was afraid to take him outside because of the embarrassment I would face he would throw a tantrum. Seriously, it was that bad.

Then I realized keeping him locked indoors while he got over this stage was not an option and sometimes you have to take your kid out to do everyday stuff. Like go to Target or the supermarket. I'm not talking shopping at a high end department store, brunch or the general section of the library, I'm talking regular everyday activities.

Anyway, my approach to dealing with his behavior was to be consistent in not giving in to his tantrums and helping him verbalize his frustrations. Once he understood screaming was not going to get him his way because Mommy really, really doesn't like that shit he would cut it out. He also is speaking much better, allowing him to express his frustrations with words and not with screaming/crying/thrashing. 

As a parent, I don't encourage my child to act that way and at 0,1 or 2 they don't really have the ability to control themselves as much as a 5 year old can. I get it if my grade school aged kid was acting like a spoiled brat and I did nothing to stop it that people would get mad. And these people I keep talking about? The people that stare, give dirty looks and make comments under their breath. I've gotten to the point where I stare back. 

I found myself caring more about what people thought than trying to control the situation which is really two different things. Toddlers cry and whine and throw tantrums. It could be because they're tired, hungry, bored, whatever. It happens and people need to deal with it. We were all small children at some point, had small children, have small children or will have small children. If anything, these businesses that sell products that families need are benefiting from our business so if you don't like my kid making noise, you get out the store and go somewhere else.

I never in my life spent more money on groceries and random shit at Target and Duane Reade than I do now that I have a child so I don't get how other people feel they have the right to suggest these places are not places for children,  parents should leave their kids home, blah, blah, blah. Who are you to suggest that? Do you work for these companies? And if you do, let me know so I'll take my business elsewhere.

Listen, people have the right to stare, give dirty looks and talk shit under their breath as much as my toddler has the right to act like a toddler. All I'm saying is, if you really have a problem with me or my kid, come up to me and say something to my face or walk away. 

I Am Not Selfish For Having A Child

I once worked for a very successful company where the CEO was a true family man. He worked his ass off but also made time to spend with his family and encouraged everyone else to do the same. Even though it was a predominately male company, they were very understanding and accommodating to the needs of pregnant women and the men with small children at home. Long weekends and time off during summer were encouraged and we were always reminded of what was truly to be valued in life.

I took this scenario for granted. I thought all companies were like this so when I left, I discovered that many other environments were not family friendly in the sense that they seemed to want to test or punish me for being a parent with outside obligations. I know it may seem dramatic, but I felt as if I were being tested to prove my loyalty and ability to do my job by being forced to work long hours for no reason and given a hard time about taking paid days off I was entitled to even when those that did not have children did not face they same issues when they needed to take time off.

 I went on about this on a previous post but the reason why I bring this up again is because it seems as if I am hearing more and more that those that don't have the money to stay home, work part time or pay for ridiculously expensive childcare should not have children at all. 

The conversation is shifting from leaning in and finding ways to work while having a family to not having a family at all.

Don't get me wrong, I get why people choose not to have children; its a personal decision and I can see why people are turned off based on the high divorce rate in this country and the high cost of raising a family. I think it is unfortunate and hurtful that those that choose to not have children are often referred to as being selfish and narcissistic. However, I am seeing and hearing more and more those that do have children are being labeled as narcissistic and selfish for expecting certain benefits at work as far as flex time and maternity leave and those seeking affordable childcare.

I am tired of being told that I am selfish for having a child. I am selfish for working my butt off at work in order to pay for housing, food and childcare because I believe our government can do more to provide affordable options for families.

Why do we not see the importance of investing in our children, the future generations of innovators and creators? Do we really think the only children worth giving a damn about are those that are already born into privilege? That parents that may not have money because their wages remain stagnant or they can't find a job should not have a right to have children unless they can afford the high costs of everything?

Our leaders and politicians talk about values. Family values, protecting babies, the institution of marriage. Those that have families outside of the white, upper middle class married structure seem to not fit in with those ideals and are treated as if they are not valuable to society. Only when they are in the womb of their mother are children worth fighting for.

I am tired of living in a country where so much money is spent to incarcerate the prison population while not offering real solutions to the factors that land so many people, particularly young, black and Latino men and women in prison in the first place.

With all of the money spent on war, prisons and aid to foreign countries, I hate the fact that children in this country, our future generation, are treated as a financial burden. With the rising cost of living and stagnant wages, a dual income home is in many cases a necessity.

We go to work for major corporations, companies where CEO's get multi million dollar bonuses and the average person struggles to pay for their most basic expenses. 

We slave away, work longer hours than generations before us had to and forgo having children to be able to do so all in the name of living comfortably.

I get there are people that are unemployed, or not emotional and mentally stable or prepared to make the sacrifices that come with parenting or have the ability to handle the life changes having children make. I just can't help to feel on the defense every time I hear one of those "you should stay home if you want to have kids" or "single parents are bad parents" type of comments.

This has nothing to do with personal responsibility. There are many educated, hard working families that are having difficulty making ends meet because of death, illness and disability. They are having difficulty in finding quality, affordable childcare so that they may work and contribute to society and pay taxes.

With all of the parents and families that are in similar situations, how is it that we let a minority of out of touch politicians and managers determine our status in society?

I Can't Afford To Have More Children

While I was packing up clothes to donate because of my impending move, I came across some of my old maternity clothes I had stuffed away in my closet. My initial reaction was to donate because I need to minimize the amount of clothing I take with me, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

The cute dresses, sweaters and skinny jeans were just screaming out at me that I needed to keep them because hey, you never know, I may need to wear them again.

I would love to have more children. My SO talks about us having more kids quite frequently actually, and while I know I've always envisioned myself as someone with more than one child, I just can't imagine what life would be like having another child NOW.

We were so fortunate to have a family member care for our son for the first year and a half before putting him in daycare but if we were to have another, that would not be the case. I would have to put a little baby, possibly two and a half months old, in daycare, which is something I really don't feel comfortable with or feel as if we could afford. 

I would have to stay at a job that I really don't want to stay for much longer because of the health and life insurance. I may have to put my goal of going to grad school on hold to be able to focus  on my two full time jobs- one as mother to a toddler and a baby, the other outside of the home. 

Our already crowded living situation would be even more crowded. If we upgraded, we'd have even less money. Our already stressful situation would become even more stressful. I just don't know if I can bring another child into the world already struggling to get by with the one that I do have.

I was an only child until I was a preteen and I remember longing for a little brother or sister close to my age. I still feel that way. With the way things are going now, if we don't have more children, my son would experience what I did growing up, but with less cousins. 

If I were by chance, to have another baby, I would totally embrace it and all of the challenges that would come along with it. We can't always be certain of what the future will hold and we can't always expect all to go as planned. If it happens, I'd totally embrace it. If not at this time, then I'm OK with that for now.

A Conversation About Race

I bet the world would be a much smaller place if all pregnancies were planned. 

I bet the world would be a lot smaller if all couples waited until they were exactly where they wanted to be in their careers with the right amount of money and the ideal living conditions. I wonder, more specifically, what this country would be like if that were the case.

Even more specific than that, what would the Black community be like? 

In Keli Goff's article in The Root, she outlined some of her opinions of problems being faced in the Black community and what could be done about it. The first being the need for major institutions to acknowledge the existence of racism and discriminatory hiring practices targeted at Black people, and the second being people need to wait until they have the money, education and partnerships before they have children. She goes on to describe poor, Black people that have children out of wedlock as selfish and likens parenthood to adopting a dog from a shelter. 

While I do agree with Ms. Goff on the importance of both parents being involved and for people to be able to afford to have the means to care for their children financially, I think she is missing the point as to why there are so many single parent households or why people do not delay parenthood until they are older. 

I would also like to point out that not all households are the same. Not every single parent household or two parent household is alike and it is unfair to suggest the problem in this country is the Black woman's inability to stop having children. I think we should look at why many young women without the financial means to care for children decide to have their children in the first place.

Could we place the blame on a poor education system that does not prepare the poor youth for college? Could it be because our children lack an understanding of their options with regards to their future? Discrimination? Harsh police tactics? An unfair judicial system? Rap music?

Is it fair to suggest to people of color their neighborhoods will be cleaner and safer if the very people that live in those areas stopped having children? What message is that sending? I honestly don't see how it is any different from what we would hear from a conservative pundit on Fox News.

I think instead of focusing on money, we should focus on values. You don't have to have $250,000 laying around or have a college degree to teach your kids the importance of hard work and an education. You don't have to have a college degree to motivate your children, help build their confidence and be the support they need to live a life better than yours. I am sure most people in poor, Black communities aren't criminals or throw trash in the street. I am sure most people would love to see the gangs and drugs go away, I am sure most people want the best for their children and want to escape poverty but may not know how or have the means to do so.

I am not suggesting that we play the victim role either, or blame all of our woes on racism. What I am suggesting is we find ways to help these poor communities get access to the tools they need to get out of poverty. I don't think telling people to stop having kids is the answer. Do we know for sure these young men and women would go to college if they did not have children? Can we be certain they would not be stuck in the prison system or work low wage jobs, but do a little better financially because they don't have additional mouths to feed?

If our children don't have anything to look forward to, then how could we expect them to be good decision makers?

Those that are already in the throngs of poverty with children, should we just give up on them? Should we not offer access to parenting classes for young women and men with children so they are better prepared for the challenges of parenthood? Should we not have increased screenings for postpartum depression for new moms to help reduce the amount of young children that get abused in poor communities? Should we not offer more access to childcare so that young men and women may go to school and work and be in a better position to support themselves? Should we not demand more funding for public schools and after school programs so that not as many children are left unattended because their parents work? Should we not invest in training programs to prepare the unemployed and underemployed to be able to fairly compete for work in an already competitive market?

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in tough love. I do believe we need to teach our kids the importance of being responsible for their actions and the importance of making decisions regarding their lives and the future of those they may bring into the world. I think instead of placing blame on a group of people and saying "You're the problem" is only going to continue to create more of a divide, especially within the Black community. 

Serenity Now

Looking back at my posts from a few weeks ago, I could tell I was anxious and feeling gloomy. I was frustrated at myself for not knowing how to “control” my son’s behavior and couldn't figure out why he was acting out. I was in a constant circle of frustration, anger and guilt and had difficulty getting to the root of my problem.

I tried all sorts of things to calm down. Running, yoga, the “Serenity Now!” mantra from Seinfeld and still felt really bad.

I realized that a lot of our spats were about control. I would demand he go to the living room and play with his toys while I cooked because I was busy. I would demand he would sit on a bench at the laundromat, I would demand he hurry up in the morning because we were running late or was in a rush to get home and cook in the evening.

When he would say "No!" I would become agitated because he wasn't the well behaved little boy I imagined I would have that does exactly what I say when I say. When I would raise my voice and yell, he would yell back. Then his yelling turned to hitting and biting.

After I stopped focusing on not yelling and just chilling out and enjoying him, things have changed so much for the better. I've realized that being a good parent isn't necessarily about throwing out commands and your kid listens, its about forming a close relationship with your child that will last through adulthood; one that is built on trust, understanding and love.

Our children learn so much from us based on their interactions with us. What could I possibly expect him to learn from me if I’m yelling, short tempered and always too busy to spend time with him? How could I expect him to want to confide in me as he gets older if he thinks I’m only going to yell at him for saying something I don’t like?

Toddlers are constantly proving their independence. He’s constantly saying “Let me do it!” and “Leave me!”. Now that I've been giving him more freedom to do things for himself like put the ice in his sippy cup and apply his own toothpaste he’s been a lot happier. Instead of pushing him away so I can cook, I find little ways to let him help me so he at least feels included. I've also been cooking after he goes to bed so we can spend more time playing and reading in the evening.

We get up earlier in the morning. We have time to squeeze in a story or two if he wants or he has some time to play before we head out to daycare. We can take our time at looking and talking about the flowers and the trees on our way there. We can stop and stare at construction since he is obsessed with construction.

I give him more choices. Not choices like “do you want McDonald's or vegetables for dinner?” but choices between two equally good options when it comes to what he eats, drinks and wears. I don’t get upset when he doesn't want to eat dinner or take a bath right away, and I give him that extra five or ten minutes to play and he happily obliges when I remind him its time.  

Things have been good. I have learned to enjoy our time and make the best out of all we do. I have learned its important to not focus and worry on things I can’t control and just deal with what I can’t change and change what I can. Your kid can sense when you’re overly stressed or anxious. It’s true what people say; they grow up so fast so make sure you enjoy them. 

7 Things You Shouldn't Say To A Mom

Believe me when I tell you I've been asked a lot of dumb and sometimes offensive questions about my life as a minority, unmarried mother. I think I've blocked many of them out of my mind for my own sake but here's a few.

1. Wow! You look great (pause) for a Mom.

This statement was able to slide the first six months or so after giving birth but after two years its getting kind of tired. Basically what people are saying is "Wow! You're not as fat and out of shape as I thought you'd be!"

2. Is he at home by himself?

I've been asked this question at least five times after I've responded "he's home" to someone's "where's the baby?" question. I'll usually respond with a blank stare because I really don't want to say "are you kidding? Do you really think I'd leave him home alone as a baby??????"

3. Does his father babysit?

I normally let this slide with older folks because I know times were different in the 50s. I don't consider a parent spending alone time with their child babysitting and hope my explaining to people (always women that ask me this) that a father does NOT babysit his own child will change the way some people look at father-child relationships.

4. How's your baby daddy?

Not necessarily the question above, but anything involving the title "baby daddy". I don't call my boyfriend and father to my son my baby daddy and neither should you. If you've known me long enough you should know his name and ask how is _____ doing? I'm sure when people think baby daddy or baby mama they're not picturing Brad and Angelina.  

5. I'm surprised you guys are still together. I didn't think he'd stick around.

OK, there's a couple of problems with this one. I get if he were a philandering abuser or abandoned me when I was pregnant there would be reason to ask this question. However, I do not believe it is fair to ask this question because we're not married or because he's black and you assume he wouldn't want to stick around based on unfair stereotypes.

6. Was your son planned?

I don't like this question because it leaves me conflicted as to how to answer. First of all, no my son was not planned at the time I got pregnant. Did I know I wanted to become a mother? Absolutely. Was my sole reason for having sex that night to get pregnant? No. So what should I say? No. My birth control failed and chose not to have an abortion? Is that what people want to hear?

7. Do you think he's going to cheat on you after you have the baby and can't have sex?

I wonder if people would have asked me this question of my boyfriend while I was pregnant if he were my husband. It's a rude thing to say to a pregnant woman that is already hormonal and really sad that's what some women think of when they think about having a baby. Not all men are dogs, ladies.

Best Piece of Parenting Advice I've Received in a While

Advice. Everyone has got some, especially for ME. Everyone has advice about money, where I should live and work, my relationship and of course-Parenting. 

 “Unless he’s crying blood, there’s no need to rush and pick him up” was advice I received from a much 

older, well meaning (I think) family member months after my son was born.